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BREAKING: New Study Suggests Smoking Blunts Leads To Longer Lives, Better Sex And An Unbreakable Spirit

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Weed has been in the news practically every day for the past few years. It’s recreationally legal in Colorado and Washington, medically legal in almost half the states now, and decriminalized in many cities as well. A record 53% of the public now supports full legalization of the plant.

Scientists from Saint Louis University School Of Medicine recently published results of a new study that daily consumption of marijuana in the form of blunts has a slew of added positive health effects.

“We’ve found that when it comes to casual, infrequent [marijuana] use, the traditional studies hold up. It’s dangerous for children under the age of 16, has some health benefits for patients with cancer and diabetes, and is generally bad to smoke,” said senior researcher Amon Keller in a news release. “However, when we raised the consumption rate and started examining patients who smoked 10 or more blunts every day, we found some remarkable things. Only blunts, though.”

The new study focused on select high-profile subjects including long time pot enthusiasts Snoop Lion, Redman, and Cheech Marin. Among the findings is the revelation that smoking copious amounts of blunts leads to better sex.

“Listen cuz, the sex I have ain’t even sex,” the study quoted Snoop Lion in Appendix B. “I’m on some 2-hour orgasm, brain melting, heavenly shit. Every night. With a blunt in my lip.”

The researchers also found that frequent blunt smokers had an average lifespan of 135 years, over 40 years above the average for non-blunt smokers, even if they smoke cannabis in other ways.

“This is groundbreaking research. Due to the fact that cannabis has been illegal for so long, and there have been increasing restrictions on single cigar sales, no group has been able to conduct any sort of comprehensive study on the subject,” said Keller. “Additionally, weed today is more potent than ever before. We’re learning surprising new things constantly. We could feasibly see the super-abundant, high-quality pot smokers of today live to be up to 200 years old.”

Perhaps most surprising among the published results is the finding that near-constant blunt smoking leads to an “unbreakable, indomitable spirit.” Subjects who smoked more than four blunts daily were 85% less likely to be subdued or discouraged by negativity, and those who smoked over five blunts had a quantifiably courageous, warror-like temperament and impeccable character.

“We haven’t exhausted all the research, so don’t start smoking constantly just yet,” added Keller. “These results are promising but there is still a great deal more we need to learn before recommending that.” When asked to comment on the scientific explanation for why cannabis and low-grade tobacco leaf combine to have some unusual effects, Keller stated, “I dunno. Amino acids?”

Seriously, though, this is a joke, guys. If you’re going to live the plant life, be careful and rock it with style:

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