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Three Terrifying Consequences Of The Sriracha Slowdown

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When we first heard that the courts of California were acknowledging the preposterous complaints of the people of Irwindale, California against the venerable Huy Fong Foods Sriracha factory, our managing editor Spills penned an open letter which never received a response.

Since then, Spills has vanished. He’s shown up to work only twice, both times wearing only hot-sauce-stained boxers and a dirty Santa Claus wig. There have been numerous reports of him camping outside of Costcos hundreds of miles away from our New York Office, ostensibly looking for a high-quantity sauce fix.

We knew this Sri Racha thing was bad, but we didn’t know just how bad. So as news emerged today that a California judge ruled that the Huy Fong factory “cease any operations that cause the foul odor [that the citizens were complaining about],” we feel compelled to make yet another plea. Please do not go down this road. If we do go down this road, and even temporarily slow down the production of this precious, delicious, soul-quenching saunce, there will be a few inevitable consequences.

1. It sets a dangerous precedent.

There are people out there who suffer from various olfactory-related problems. Body odor and halitosis are often the source of bad hygiene, but sometimes they are also caused by health issues. Either way, this new ruling sets a precedent for any group of people to sue and vilify another for “emitting foul odors.” This infringes on an essential American right–to not wear deodorant, to not floss, and to not give a fuck what others think. It’s a slippery slope. After they take away our right to stink, what’s next? Our right to bear arms?! Never.

2. The sales of cheap Chinese food will plummet. 

It’s a well known fact of life that Sriracha rooster sauce can save any meal, but no other market has been as blessed by it’s existence than cheap Chinese food. Sriracha is an $85 million business, and the Chinese food industry is worth much, much more. As supply of the rooster sauce goes down, the price will go up, and sales will plummet all around. This will obviously result in the entire Chinese market crashing, which is suspiciously convenient considering the recent and perpetual fear the U.S. has of a new world order where China is number 1 and they are number 2. Are we saying that this Sriracha slowdown is an intricate and expansive government conspiracy for the U.S. to maintain it’s hegemony? Yes, that’s exactly what we’re saying.

3. Life and society as we know it will be forever changed.

With China in ruins and the world population struggling to find away survive without Sriracha, the tragic behavior of Spills will be replicated by people through out the world. Without spice, people will lose the will to eat the same bland shit again and again. Russia and India will turn on each other, each struggling to take advantage of their fallen neighbor. Lawlessness will ensue, and warlords will eventually take over the Sriracha production process, thereby controlling the world economy and spreading chaos and destruction in their wake.

It is our sincere hope that someone will see this–a judge, a congressman, even just a concerned citizen–and they will take action to prevent us from certain catastrophe.

If this all fails and they actually shut down Sriracha production, please join us in drinking our pain away with this classy flask from Wilouby.

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