Our creative director LIL INTERNET is a mysterious character with a checkered past, and by that we mean that he was the World Champion of Checkers from 1993 to 1995, but that’s a story for another day. Today, we want to tell you about his his extensive military career.
Indeed, before he hit Hollywood, LIL INTERNET was fighting for his country. It happens that, at the time, he had citizenship not only in the US, but also in India, Libya, and the planet Earth (that last one came into play when World War Z struck), so he found himself in a number of odd and sticky situations which he’s always telling us about. The stickiness mainly refers to his time working for Gaddafi in Libya. Let’s start there, and then we’ll move on to some other conflicts in history the LILZ took part in.
1. Libyan Civil War (above)
LIL INTERNET: GADAFFI, WHO WE ALL CALLED G-DADDY, HIRED ME TO CREATIVE DIRECT A PRIVATE NIGHTCLUB FOR HIM, IT WAS CALLED “G-DADDY ULTRAULTRAULTRAULTRAULTRAULTRAULTRALOUNGE,” DEFINITELY THE MOST ULTRA OF ULTRA LOUNGES EVER MADE. BASICALLY IT WAS ALL WHITE MARBLE AND GOLD, WITH 100 BATHTUBS. WOMEN WERE LOWERED FROM THE CEILING OVER THE BATHTUBS AND THEY’D POUR SYRUP AND OTHER KINDS OF SWEET LIQUIDS DOWN THEIR LEGS AND YOU’D KINDA DRINK FROM THEIR TOES. ANYWAYS, IT WAS COOL UNTIL THE MORTARS STARTED FALLING THROUGH THE ROOF. I ENDED UP JOINING THE REBELS SO I WOULND’T GET KILLED. IT WAS REALLY GROSS, THOUGH, SEEING ALL OF THOSE WOMENS LEGS COVERED IN SYRUP, SCATTERED AMONGST THE BROKEN BATHTUBS. BRIGHT RED BLOOD ON BRIGHT WHITE MARBLE. MAKES MY JUNK TINGLE. WAR IS HELL, GUYS.
2. India/Pakistan Civil War
LIL INTERNET: I WAS ADOPTED BY A SIKH FAMILY WHEN I WAS 15. I WAS PART OF AN ELITE SQUAD OF UNDERCOVER SIKHS. WE WERE ACTUALLY FIGHTING AGAINST BOTH SIDES TO START A ROYAL SIKHDOM. WE WOULD SMUGGLE URANIUM IN OUR BEARDS TO HELP BOTH SIDES BUILD NUCLEAR WEAPONS. WE WOULD DEFLECT BULLETS WITH OUR SWORDS. SIKHS ARE IMMUNE TO RADIATION, SO WE FIGURED IF WE GOT BOTH SIDES TO BLOW EACH OTHER UP, SIKHS WOULD BE THE ONLY SURVIVORS IN THE NUCLEAR WASTELAND THAT WOULD BE LEFT AND WE COULD START OUR SIKHDOM. OUR PLAN DIDN’T WORK AND WHEN MY FOSTER CARE TIME WAS OVER WITH MY SIKH FAMILY, I CRIED AND LEFT THEM MY BEARD TO REMEMBER ME BY.
3. American Civil War
LIL INTERNET: I WAS FIGHTING FOR THE CONFEDERACY BECAUSE I HATED THE BACKPACKER SHIT COMING OUT OF THE NORTH. I JUST COULDN’T HANG. NOBODY IN THE SOUTH COULD HANG. WE ACTUALLY LOST ON PURPOSE, BECAUSE WE ALL KNEW SLAVERY WAS EVIL. BUT WE HAD TO PUT UP A FIGHT, BECAUSE THAT CRUSTY BACKPACKER SHIT WAS SO LAME AND GIRLS HATED IT. YOU’D GO TO A SHOW AND IT WOULD BE LIKE 90% THE WORST WHITE GUYS YOU’VE EVER SEEN AND 10% BORED GIRLS. YOU CAN’T DANCE TO THAT SHIT.
4. Dominican Civil War
LIL INTERNET: I WAS IN THE MARINES AND SENT TO KEEP PEACE IN SANTO DOMINGO. WHILE I WAS THERE, I DEFECTED AND FOUGHT THE MILITARY COUP AS PART OF A GROUP OF COMMUNIST HOMOSEXUAL RADICALS BECAUSE IT WAS THE 60′S AND EVERYONE WAS KINDA GAY IN THE 60′S. WE INVENTED TRAP MUSIC AND REGGAETON AT THE SAME TIME DURING THIS WAR, BUT MOOMBAHTON WOULDN’T COME ‘TIL MUCH MUCH LATER.
5. World War Z
LIL INTERNET: YO I FEEL REAL BAD CAUSE I DON’T KNOW IF ZOMBIES CAN LEGALLY CONSENT. THOSE UNDEAD GIRLS THO ARE WILD IN BED, YOU JUST GOTTA FEED THEM CHICKEN NON STOP SO THEIR MOUTH STAYS OCCUPIED. BUT OTHER THAN THAT I ENJOYED MY TIME MAKING LOVE TO REANIMATED CORPSES.
We sincerely hope you don’t end up in a war any time soon. But if you do, why not wear some of our gear and look fly while dodging bullets?