A newly released global study found that kids today don’t run as fast as their parents did. Using the dreaded one-mile gym class run as the standard, Australian researchers found that kids today are on average 1.5 minutes slower than their parents. While this may be disconcerting, it’s not all together surprising. From the perspective of their parents’ generation, kids today are essentially a transition period between human and cyborg. The technology that pervades every aspect of their lives is changing these slow-ass kids.
So we got to thinking… Though they are slower in this way, kids are faster than their parents in a lot of other ways. Let’s tally them up and give them some credit.
When it comes to typing page after page of grammar-free texts articulating the banal thought process of the average smartphone user, kids have got parents beat. Grownups are still adjusting to the idea that you can have a complete conversation without ever using your vocal chords. We’ve all seen those texts that start with “Dear ___” and end with “Love, Dad,” indicating that some parents have snapped right back to the days of snail mail.
Back in the day, people of all ages had time to sit at a table for over an hour, eat, speak, and maintain a certain level of decorum. Thankfully, there is a lot more cool shit happening at any given moment these days, so there’s no sense in wasting that much time. Kids today wolf down their meals, often compact versions of traditional food, while staring at their cell phone screens. They move quickly and get back to their game/show/movie/Wikipedia hole/Reddit AMA.
3. Getting 5 Stars In GTA V
Hand your mom the controller next time you’re playing GTA V and watch her bumble around for three minutes before accidentally bumping into someone who then beats them to death. Game over, mom. Any kid knows that there are a plethora of ultra-realistic ways to induce complete pandemonium in San Andreas within minutes. Without the progression of GTA games that have turned their kids into virtual terrorists over the last couple of decades, parents are too soft and humane to truly wreak that kind of chaos.
4. Finding Inappropriate Websites
If dads are adept at one thing online, it’s finding porn, but not nearly as adept as their kids. While there are myriad ways in which to block this content, your kids will always find a way through and stumble upon the same porn casting videos and security camera death footage that their parents actively seek out.
5. Laying Mack
We know that kids are having sex at younger and younger ages, but consider that sex doesn’t just happen. Back in the day, people didn’t have sex until marriage because, before the age of 20, they had absolutely no understanding of the opposite sex. They went to more gender-exclusive schools, they had stricter rules about dating, and the primitive state of contraception meant that sex was never really safe (is it now, even?). Kids today are very aware of what sex is, and on top of that, they have figured out how to work towards it in conversation with a member of the opposite sex. Really, the fact that they’re having sex is merely a symptom of their increasing mack-laying abilities. Those little bastards are smooth.
Feel young again in the New Kid hoody from BBC.