BREAKING: Pharrell Williams Comes Out As Vampire

Pharrell in fangs.

In three words, rapper Pharrell Williams has answered the question that has been on everyone’s mind since 2005: “Why the hell doesn’t that guy age?”

“I’m a vampire,” he confessed in a recent interview. He followed up with, “[But] I don’t like to label myself.”

The 440-year-old writer and producer of controversial “Blurred Lines” music video is the first in what several experts expect to be a series of openly vampiric celebrities. Sources say after the announcement broke that Keanu Reaves was seen “jumping up and down in LA’s AV Night Club while clapping … [and] telling people he finally could be himself” continuing to “bite Linday Lohan’s neck, shortly after spitting out a yellow and green substance.”

These rumors, however, remain unconfirmed.

“I didn’t intend to be the first celebrity who’s vocal about being a vampire. But I am and even though I’m happy that I’m the one who’s starting the dialogue—a part of me wish that someone else was brave enough to stand up and say, ‘I’m a vampire.’”

Pharrell does not age.

Pharrell spotted in picture taken in 1931, looks the same.

Though this story leaves us with a lot of hope, Pharrell describes the heartache of living a lie and worse yet, the abuse he endured by the few who were able to discern his secret.

“Vampires are treated unfairly as it is. And I had to sit back quietly as books like Twilight became figureheads for our community.”

Pharrell is hoping to implement a program in schools to put an end to stereotypes and teach kids that no, vampires aren’t all glitter bombs and assault. While still in the works, it’s already drawn support from Hillary Clinton.

Pharrell’s decision to come out leaves us with an important message, that couldn’t be said better than by the man himself: “If I could tell kids anything…I’d say, be yourself. If you’re a vampire, now’s the time to show your true colors.”

Shop Pharrell’s brand, Billionaire Boys Club, on Karmaloop

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2 Comments

  1. Sara Shaolin

    December 10, 2013 at 8:15 am

    LFMAOOOOOO Who the hell wrote this?!!!! It’s genius

  2. Nycole

    February 14, 2014 at 9:11 am

    Bofl I can’t with this article!!

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