This morning, after an incriminating video threw new drug allegations on top of the already large pile of ill deeds attributed to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, the leader got on his radio show and made the following statement. From the heart, he asks for the city’s forgiveness, pleading with his public to give him one more chance… just one more, which would make it his 437th. The thing is, Rob Ford just can’t stop. The citizens of Toronto know that, no matter how many times he fucks up and apologizes, he’s just going to do it again. And what exactly is his crime? Just being an awesome dude.
Rob Ford may use drugs, but he is a feel-good drug user. He doesn’t drink a bottle of whiskey and do a bunch of coke and go for a joyride in a school zone. His shenanigans are much tamer–much more Canadian, if you will. At best, he hangs out with some dudes and gets tremendously fucked up. It’s too fucking cold in Toronto do get into trouble, so the evidence of his crimes consists of photos of him and his friends standing around in the snow with slap-happy looks on their faces. Nevertheless, one of these videos allegedly shows Ford hitting a crack pipe with his driver Sandro Lisi. This is pretty unmayor-like behavior so Ford had to address it, but in his statements we can sense a distinct disdain for authority. Did you hear it too?
Here’s what we believe Rob Ford is saying between the lines.
“Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. It’s a brisk one out there this morning and it’s been pretty, pretty brisk this whole week.”
TRANSLATION: Every winter here sucks, but this one is especially sucky because on top of the cold everyone is giving me shit for smoking crack.
“I’ve been thinking for a long time on what I’m going to say today. And first of all, I believe that this video, I want the police chief, Bill Blair, to release this video for every single person in the city to see. That is the right thing to do and chief, I’m asking you to release this video now. Whatever this video shows, whatever this video shows, folks, Toronto residents deserve to see it and people need to judge for themselves what they see on this video”
I was watching the video over and over again to try and find some angle I could take on this statement, and I decided that it’s not legible enough for anyone to make a definitive accusation.
“I support the police. I have never wavered on supporting these hardline, hard-working, frontline officers. They work day in and day out to keep our city safe and they are the best, the best, absolutely the best police force in the world.”
Fuck the cops. Fuck all cops everywhere.
“I’m the first one to admit, friends, I’m the first one to admit, I’m not perfect. I have made mistakes. I have made mistakes and all l can do right now is apologize for the mistakes. I sincerely, sincerely apologize to my family, to the citizens, the taxpayers of this great city and to my colleagues on Toronto city council. Unfortunately, unfortunately, I can not change the past. I can just move forward and learn from the past, which I will assure you I am doing.”
We’re all pieces of shit, but because I’m mayor we have to all pretend that I’m not a piece of shit. That is so fucked. What do you want me to do? What in the FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO DO???
“I love this city. I absolutely adore the people of this city and I love helping people when they call me and I go to their front door and help them. I want to move forward. But I also know to move forward I have to make changes in my life, which I can assure you that I will do. I love the work I do and I’m going to keep doing it.”
I am a legit mayor. You all know it. Let’s make a deal. I’ll continue to be a legit mayor if you get off my dick and let me struggle with my personal problems on my own.
“I want to keep working for the people of this city. And there is still, still a lot of work to be done and I want to continue doing the job that I was elected to do three years ago. And next Oct. 27th, let the people decide on who they want to run this city.”
I’M RUNNING FOR MAYOR AGAIN BITCHES
“I’m going to continue fighting for the little guy, fighting for the taxpayers like I always have. We’re going to build on our long list of accomplishments. I want to work with the people who want to work with me. I do not want to work with people that want to play politics.”
My assistant accidentally left this Tom Ford pamphlet in my apology file.
“I also, also, want to thank the thousands and thousands of residents who have been calling, emailing and writing me to express their support during this very, very difficult time.”
For everyone that’s got my back, please do what you can to get some crack to me. I am in a seriously crack-free situation right now and I can’t handle it much longer.
“There is no one to blame but myself and I take full responsibility for it. And without your support, there is no way I could keep going and I want to thank everybody from the bottom of my heart and I am going to continue doing my job that I was elected to do and, friends, I really don’t know what more I can say right now.”
FORGIVE ME AND LET’S MOVE ON
“If there was a button that I could push to change everything, I would, but unfortunately there is no button that exists.”
If there was a button that I could push to make me instantly high on crack, anytime, anywhere, I would. I will invent this button.
Hurry up and get your hands on these before Robert does. You know he’s coming.