Ellie Goulding’s Secret Life as a Chipmunk


There’s no denying Ellie Goulding’s catchiness. Like a sped up soul song in one of Kanye’s College Dropout classics, the british vocalist’s high pitch and rapid vibrato make for an instantly recognizable voice. As a result of this distinct tone, conspiracies have arisen, suggesting that producers are responsible for making her voice sound pitched-up and rushed. Despite questions regarding her true age, and even suggestions of an extra-terrestrial influence having surfaced, the voice you hear on the radio really is Ellie’s.

With rumors circulating regarding a potential “furry” fetish, Goulding has decided to step in front of the issue and address it with the following statement:

“The past few years have been a dream come true. I am so thankful to my friends, fans, and family for the support I have received. I could not ask for a better life, but with this fame comes intense scrutiny. People try to discover every little last detail about you and privacy becomes the one luxury you can no longer afford. Recently, people have been making claims about a strange fetish, which I can assure you are untrue.

The truth is that I am a chipmunk. As a child I always felt different. I could sprint faster, climb higher, and stuff more nuts in my mouth than any of the other kids. I also learned later of a tail I had, which was removed soon after I was born. In my youth, my voice made me a target for bullies. I wondered what was wrong with me. Why was I so different?   It was when I heard, for the first time, a voice like mine that I discovered who I really was, deep down inside.

Alvin and the Chipmunks changed my life. I finally realized that I too was a chipmunk, and when this happened, my whole life shifted. No longer seeking the identity that eluded me for so many years, I followed my dream of becoming a singer. I was nervous at first, worried whether my friends and family would accept me. Fortunately, the people in my life not only understood but embraced my newfound identity.

Alvin, Simon, and Theodor’s popularity and near omnipresence at the time, was just the boost a young chipmunk like myself needed to get started in my career. Through hard work, perseverance, and more work, I achieved my dream on a scale far greater than I had ever imagined. If it weren’t for the chipmunks, I may have never discovered my true self. Ellie Goulding, the chipmunk.
“Do the lights keep calling, calling, calling you? Put your phone in one of these cases and look good when answering. 

Recommended For You

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *