The Red Sox Confirm A-Rod Is A Superhuman Dickhead


[Disclaimer: I grew up in Boston and spent my adult years in New York City, but don’t watch baseball, so I’m as unbiased as someone in my situation can possibly be.]

So if you didn’t know, the Yankees’ Alex Rodriquez was recently suspended by the MLB for being a confirmed user of HGH and Testosterone. Basically, he was injecting himself in the ass with horse tendons and shit to get an edge. What a strange way to cheat.

Anyway, Player Enhancing Drugs (PEDs), have been a big issue in professional sports over the last decade, particularly in baseball. This led to the suspension of many of our childhood heroes like Jose Canseco, Chuck Knoblauch, Manny Ramirez, Jason Giambi and more.

Though we’ve had our suspicions about A-Rod for a while, everything was finally confirmed on August 6th, when the league handed him a 211 game suspension (Damn, son!). Being the dickhead he is (blame all that extra testosterone), A-Rod appealed the suspension, allowing him to play until the league finishes their “investigation”.

Now this is where the Boston Red Sox come in. If you don’t know about the torrid history between Alex Rodriquez and Red Sox, the gif below pretty much sums it up:


As the Red Sox and Yankees squared off at Fenway Park last night, everyone could tell something was about to happen. This is the perfect setting for opposing players to express how they feel about A-Hole. As Rodriquez comes up to bat in the second inning, Boston pitcher Ryan Dempster’s mind is racing. The only thing he can thing of is the poor horses who had to be sacrificed so A-Rod could juice himself up. That and all the Chalupas he ate from Taco Bell. After momentarily staring A-Rod down, he winds back and pins the Bronx bomber with a 92mph fastball. 92. Miles. An. Hour. Instead of reacting to the pain like an average human being, A-Rod just puts his hands on his hips and shakes his head.

Wait, what? Nah, son. That can’t be normal.

Fast forward to the sixth inning. Despite being beaned earlier, A-Rod stares down Dempster and hits a 300ft home run which eventually starts a Yankees comeback rally. It was as if nothing ever happened. Deflecting fastballs with your juiced up body? All in a day’s work when you’re a superhuman dickhead.

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