Let’s Admit It. We All Want Chris Brown To Go To Jail.


Perpetrators of domestic violence rarely get any sympathy, and when Chris Brown entered that classification in 2009 by beating the shit out of then girlfriend Rihanna’s face, he forever forfeited the good graces of public opinion. It’s not like it matters. Like every other celebrity, we would have found a way to crucify him sooner or later, but Breezy just made it so damn easy. Last night he hammered what many are hoping will be the last nail in his coffin when he assaulted a guy photobombing him outside the W Hotel in DC. 20-year-old Isaac Adams Parker was walking past Brown, who was taking a picture with two women. When Parker jumped into the shot, Brown said something to the effect of, “I’m not into this gay shit. I feel like boxing.” Brown and his bodyguard both then hit Parker in the face with closed fists, an attack classified as a class 3 Dick Move by DC Metro Police, who arrested both the attackers.

Brown is still on probation for his 2009 assault on Rihanna, and this assault is a pretty serious violation. That means that, if our justice system works (it doesn’t), before long Brown will be in prison, very much “getting into” the “gay shit” for which he claimed such disdain. And for our own good as the general public, we should admit that we totally want to see that happen. Chris Brown is an asshole undeserving of his wealth and popularity. He is an overgrown aggro teenager who beats up girls, has insane road rage, and keeps finagling his way out of trouble. Unlike Lindsay Lohan or other drug-addled stars, who succumb to their own stupidity, Brown is constantly succumbing to his aggression, and he’s making his own problem everyone else’s. That’s the crime here.

Of course, the primary function of money in our legal system since its inception is to keep people with lots of it out of prison. The same effect that allowed Ben Roethlisberger to get away with rape is the one that will probably keep Chris Brown out of prison for assaulting an innocent kid. As the public we could take it into our own hands by not giving him the recognition he desires, and that his career requires… but c’mon, we’re not gonna do that! In fact, even people who don’t know about his music know Chris Brown from being a girlfriend-beater, so if anything his dickishness has just made him more famous. Let’s just hope that, at very least, his story can take a turn that will be cathartic for us. Perhaps we’ll see him in a few years with a lot more tattoos, a softer voice, and a different opinion on the definition of “gay shit.” (I hear photobombing is huge in prison showers).

Unlike Breezy, you can actually put these posters up in your room instead of a jail cell. 

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