LIL INTERNET’s FAV 5: When Music Videos Were Expensive

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Before the internet literally ruined everything, the music industry was banking hard and spending mad money on the tightest and most expensive music videos ever made. Here are some that make me miss the golden age of human civilization the most.

TRU – “Hoody Hoo”

This was when No Limit was killing shit as the world’s top cyberpunk record label. “Tru” story (lol) I threw away all of my Mos Def and Guru Presents Jazzmatazz CD’s as soon as “Make Em Say Ughhh” came out. This Tru song and associated pre-internet meme “Hoody Hoo”  is history’s cyberpunk masterpiece where a group of rappers, Tru, break out of a cyber jail and then get time-traveled to New Orleans during Mardi Gras. It’s kinda like Juvenile’s “Ha” meets Demolition Man. Plus, since it sampled the theme from Halloween, John Carpenter gets a check every time this song is played, which is during every birth, wedding, and Olympics closing ceremony since 1999. Like, John Carpenter bought a Minidisc recorder with the money he made from this song. Someone needs to bring back #Y2K cyberpunk rap. Or maybe not, ’cause they would definitely call it “cybercrunk” and that sounds stupid. Cost: $10 Million nu-yen off the credstick.

 

Michael Jackson – “Scream”

In the 90s you were starved for anime. There was no internet. You had to go to the comic book store or weird movie rental place to even see an anime face. Not the Blockbuster, the weird one. When this music video came out I was siked. Seeing anime in this video gave me a very small boner, as I was 12 years old. The distorted glitched out intro, black and white stark future Belly™ set, and cyberdelic styling still combine to create one of those moments where you realize the pinnacle of human civilization was the 90s and we are just continuing to slide downhill.   That’s good because it cost $7 million dollars.

 

Blackstreet & Janet Jackson ft. Ja Rule and Eve – “Girlfriend/Boyfriend”

Another hit involving Janet. Love Janet. Jan. JJ. Great set of hee-haws on that one. Luv you girl. This incredible single of the future takes place inside a giant pinball machine with really sick CGI. Like, better than “Anaconda” CGI. The Virtua-Ja and Virtua-Eve on the motorcycles are truly a meta-mindfuck. Very proto-Tumblr. Very #seapunk. Confirmed cost is $1.5 Million.

 

Pretty Ricky – “Hotline”

I don’t know if this music video was actually expensive but I love it. When “Slick ‘Em” is talking about drinking Red Bull and gets all cross-eyed it’s mad funny. He’s like the ODB of Pretty Ricky, he’s just cray cray. My favorite part is when they are doing synchronized dances in computer Tokyo. When I think of what “new thing” the “kids” will be doing in “the future” I think they’ll be doing that. Practicing #trill synchronized dances in a cybercity. “Take them granny panties off put a thong on.” This video cost $153 million dollars.

 

DMX – “Whats My Name”

Bro they had this big ass arena and pitbulls and the arena was filled with three levels of #turntup Ruff Ryders. One of the crowds is a street casual co-ed crowd and then a different crowd of bros appears all wearing baggy jeans and Ruff Ryderz shirts. What I’m trying to say is, that arena is very #trill, very #yolo, it’s just dog fights and DMX performances all night. I really need to find out where to get one of those red shiny baggy leather jacket and pants outfits. I want one so bad but you only see them in rap videos. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one IRL ever. Did they even really exist? Is post #Y2K existence merely a simulation?  Cost of this video: In the Double R’s

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