Tomorrow, October 17th 2013, the US government will completely shut down. The debt ceiling, which is made of super sharp glass, will explode into the sky, and all the little shards of the economy will come plummeting back to earth to stab each of us through the heart. Sure, you heard the deadline was coming, thought to yourself, “Whatever, now I won’t have to pay tolls on the interstate,” and went about your business. Well, you smug bitch, we’re all about to feel the wrath of true anarchy because this shit is happening and lawmakers are doing jack squat to stop it.
As usual, the only people we can rely on in this catastrophe are professional rappers. Politicians may have caused important important federal services to shut down, but it’s musicians who are taking time out from their busy, glamorous lives to head the agencies that provide these services. While the rest of us are holding our dicks and waiting for this thing to blow over, these guys are getting their hands dirty to get America moving again.
Here are rappers who are saving us from the shutdown.
Action Bronson Heads the FDA
By now you’ve probably heard that it’s a really bad time to be eating seafood in America. Mad FDA employees are on furlough, and nobody is there to peek inside each clam as they come in from the ocean. Action Bronson has stepped up to the challenge of inspecting our food by becoming the interim head of the Food and Drug Administration. However, he’s inspecting based on his own digestive system, which has been known break down entire lobster shells and turn them into poop within 15 minutes of consumption.
R Kelly Becomes Superintendent of Schools In Every State
Sure, this is a really bad idea, perhaps a worse idea than shutting down the government altogether, but nothing can get you out of a bad idea like an even worse idea. Just ask R. Kelly, who has turned horrible ideas into massive success year after year for the past two decades. He’s inaugurating his new career with a 37-part music video called “Won’t Someone Think Of The Children… Alright, I Will.”
Rick Ross Takes On All Prison Security In The US
It was a little disconcerting how quickly Rick Ross jumped at the opportunity to return to his job as a corrections officer. Someone had barely mentioned the idea and he pulled a nightstick out of the couch and started tapping one end of it in his hand, like it was fucking instinct. Like ten minutes later, he walked out of the bathroom in his old CO uniform. He wasn’t even at his house, so he must have been carrying it around in his backpack. Weird.
Snoop Dogg Protects Our National Parks And Forests
The above photo was taken immediately after Park Ranger Craig Benson and a team searching for invasive vines found Snoop Lion wandering through Bryce Canyon National Park. Benson was to be furloughed later that day, so he offered Snoop an unpaid position as the head ranger, which he accepted. With everyone else in the Park Service furloughed as well, Snoop rose to the top of the organization in a little under 45 minutes.
Drake Seeks To Become The Head of PETA
No matter how many ways we tried to explain it to him, Drake could not understand that PETA is not a government organization, and in fact has been called a terrorist organization by some parts of the government. Drake would hear none of it. He just kept running out of the room crying and then return clutching a different endangered animal in his arms each time. Most of the animals looked like they didn’t know what was going on, but the panda looked genuinely terrified. It was the first time we saw such human emotions in an animal’s eyes, and something inside us changed that day. Whatever it was changed back when we killed Drake’s pygmy rhinocerous backing out of the driveway.