The True Conspiracy Behind Google’s Mysterious Barges

google-barge-san-francisco

Image via ubergizmo

When giant, unexplained vessels begin looming around our country’s major population centers, you’d hope we possess the wherewithal to take notice and begin planning for some sort of invasion. Well, we don’t. Google has placed massive barges in the bays of San Francisco and Maine and they’re not telling anyone what they’re for. Many speculate that they are just really G-ed up showrooms for Google Glass, but if that’s all they are, why all the secrets?

Each barge holds a structure made of welded-together shipping containers, and while Fox News is positive that it’s just a gallery on the inside, others look toward a patent on water-based data centers that Google holds. But if that was the answer, there’s no way Google would make it that easy to figure out. It’s a red herring at best. It goes to show, our nation’s newspeople will spit out any explanation that will float, but we are not in the habit of picking up floaters. We flush, and we hold the handle until all the shit disappears. 

Let’s breakdown the REAL possibilities of what Google’s barges are up to.

1. Alien slave ships

Over the past decade, everyone has been flabbergasted by the rapid advancement of technology that Google has led. There’s no way that plain old human ingenuity took us from oil lamps to nanobots in just over a century. If you take a step back and consider it, it appears that we’ve been receiving help. But humans are not great at partnerships, and are subject to the most voracious greed known in the universe, so it’s natural to assume that, if we were being assisted by beings from other worlds, that we would eventually kidnap a bunch of them and force them to do our bidding. This is America. We’ve done it to every race here on this planet, so it’s not a stretch that we’d do it to races from others as well.

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Image via stacytrasancos

2. Mind-control rays

Two off the coast of San Francisco, one off the coast of Maine… Put one in the Gulf of Mexico and you’ve got the continental US surrounded, with the ability to unleash a triangulated signal that may debilitate, kill, or even zombify every person in the country. Google spent the last 15 years becoming engrained in our lives, entrusting us and monopolizing all of our data. Now is the perfect time for them to create disruptive signals built according to each of our minds through which they can control our actions. This possibility is especially scary because it may already have been implemented. Do anything out of the ordinary today? Is that how you always take your coffee? Does looking out the window always give you the impulse to by more corn? Just sayin’.

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Image via 123rf

3. Human Arcs

If anyone can really predict the weather, it’s Google. In general, the study of weather is a non-science, considering how poorly our meteorologists perform their jobs. Google has been holding the secret to this discipline for at least a decade now, and only they know that the next hurricane season will be the last for any terrestrial life on earth. The storms have been getting worse, and no amount of global warming denial will stop evangelical christians from being dragged out to sea. While that may seem a pleasant thought, remember that the rest of us are going with them. At least, everyone who doesn’t have a homie at Google. If you got a mysterious envelope with a ticket in it, please scan it and send it to submit.to.guru@gmail.com so we can get started on trying to fake our way to salvation.

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Image via johncormier

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