Best cover of the week: Various Artists – Packard Bell 88. A terrorist, purple Japanese sodas, songs about Nintendo 64 and Pokemon… This is Grammy material.
So we are a day late, but being late is fashionable according to the #illuminati. Posting today is the “cool” late. However in uncool late news, since our last triumph of a Wednesday Wackness earlier this month our friends at Mass Appeal have tried writing their own column in the exact same format as ours. Luckily *DJ Khaled voice* WE THE BEST. Nobody finds worse covers than us, nobody. Nice try Mass Appeal, but you didn’t even come close to touching our shitty mixtape cover game. I mean look at this shit…
“Oh shit, my dick got a iPhone?? And it’s takin pictures of me?? Oh HELL NO. I gotta stop driving naked. I need more… Self-pride.” And that is how J.R. Misfitz conceived his debut mixtape “Self-pride,” while driving naked down the highway in a 1998 Nissan Sentra. Wait, look at him again, seriously. The look of pure, unbridled fear in his eyes- that kind of experience can change a man. That experience of having your perception blasted wide open to a world beyond conventional explanation. A world of magic and mystery where anything can happen. A world where your dick takes a picture of you with it’s iPhone.
Not bad, Fetus Gang 420, not bad. Is that hairy baby smoking a crack pipe? Not bad, I must say. And what’s this? A track called “There is a Boner in My Butt?” I think you are on to something, Fetus Gang 420. The beats range from stupid to kinda-cool-on-drugs, so you can tell they are making good improvements and working hard and humbly at their craft. My favorite song, “RapeLay is my favorite game,” is dedicated to RapeLay, a Japanese video game where you force an anime mom and her two anime daughters to have sex, which shows that Fetus Gang 420 have a deep sense of respect and interest in other cultures. Fetus Gang 420 is saving hip hop. All of Fetus Gang 420’s moms probably cry themselves to sleep every night.
Serious question- is PSE Laflare playing air guitar or is he playing, like, “air gun?” I guess he could just be throwing signs but I think playing “air gun” is better. I kinda like PSE Laflare because his mixtape opens up with a sample of Starship- Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us and then PSE Laflare just goes “FUCK YEAH” and you can tell he’s super into Starship. He probably listens to “Sara” when he is sad about hoes and says “FUCK YEAH” when “We Built This City (On Rock n’ Roll)” comes on the radio. But there’s one thing I’m confused about- he’s got some weed, he’s got some money, and he’s got some clips and bullets- what’s missing? A gun! I think maybe THAT’S why he’s playing “air gun.” Because he has all the cool rapper supplies except for the gun, but he still wants to practice gun stuff while listening to Starship until he gets one. Maybe he’ll have one by Volume 7.
Who is “THE GEICO?” “Long Boy.” Geico Week. The Geico lizard. Guns. A weekly calendar. Activities including “SignMe,” “School,” “GeicoHim,” “MyLife,” “Club,” “Church,” “SignOut.” Every song is about a day of the week. He makes sure he repeats the day of the week at least 100 times a song. On Thursday, he freestyles about stealing somebodies entire house including their socks. And a girl looks at him while she is giving birth. His favorite day is Saturday. He is in the malls and in the stores. He brushes his shoulder off in the hall. He has a real fly. On Sundays he wakes up with his grandma, RIP. Yes he wakes up with a dead woman. He has broads in Geico thongs. He’s looking good in his Pelle Pelle sweats. Whoever he is, Geico is abso-fucking-lutely mentally ill.
Yo I am so, so, so sorry M.I.Q. I never believed. And I won’t believe. I can’t believe. I know you are 13 but bro, this shit is crazy. You can’t think this shit is good. And this Youtube video where you interview yourself, I mean hold up…
Yo, and your accent is crazy. My dude. This track, “Who Am I?” I don’t know dude, who are you? “I’m working with the Feds, my lyrics so street.” You aren’t doing it right man. Plus I can barely understand what you are saying except for one line where you say “and we can still cook chickens” and another one where you say “no matter how fat or ugly you are.”
But you know what M.I.Q., I’m just gonna go for and and say fuck it. I’m just gonna convince myself this track is hot as fuck. I give up. I am just going to love this shit. I believe. Best mixtape ever. Even the cover. See you next week.