(Above: The best cover of the week, Slimevelli Value Pack with “Toasty!” Mortal Kombat dude on it)
Our second installment of the worst mixtape covers of the week is here. Visually this week wasn’t as bad as the last one which is rather disappointing, but if you take the time to give them a listen after the cover graces your eyes you will be thoroughly disgusted. Please remember to wear a condom while reading this post.
The cover is more creepy than bad, but overall this mixtape is one of the most horrible things we’ve ever seen or heard. Listening to just one song of Papa Dick did leave us with quite a few gems. Lines like “Fart your nose,” “I’ll fuck your Benz,” “24 typical tits,” “your hoes be on my dick like Rachel,” “I love sucking dicks,” “Who’s the bitch on my dick? Carl Sagan,” are dropped effortlessly on just the first track. This might make you think he’s the greatest MC of all time, but sadly Papa Dick is another case of “White boys who drop n-bombs too much.” Oh my god he just said “Chris Hansen knows me.” OK we are turning this off before we have to take a shower. And we didn’t even get to hear “Vampire Pussy” yet.
We are going to have nightmares for years after looking into this kids eyes. That’s it.
At first glance, this just looks like a shitty mixtape cover of a chick simulating oral sex on a straw, which is kinda lame. But look closer, and you’ll realize the straw is like 2 feet long and she fit the whole thing down her throat. That’s kinda sexy, but also kinda medical or something, like she’s self inserting a feeding tube. The wackness stops there though. This tape is amazing. “He callin on his lunch break, Can’t talk now gettin my pussy ate,” she explains in opener “Bitch What You Mad At.” “He want my face down ass up, he bout to get broke like a glass cup.” A glass cup! Mimi truly shines on “Fuck Like I Twerk” though, comparing herself to a plane because she’s fly, while your bitch, Mimi says, is just a car. We expect big things for Mimi in the future, whether its rapping or fitting assorted lengthy tubes down her neck.
What’s up with Swaggy P’s braids? What’s up with Swaggy P wearing a Burger King crown? Does Swaggy P work at Burger King and is that his maroon work jacket? Why is most of this mixtape just Swaggy P saying the words “Swaggy P” and “Molly?” Why is there a song called “Who taught you how to fuck?” Isn’t that a creepy question? Did he record this mixtape with that tape recorder that Kevin had in Home Alone that everyone wanted for Christmas that one year? Why does he like wearing peacoats when he receives oral sex (he actually says this)? And can Swaggy P really do backflips? This mixtape is an enigma wrapped in a labyrinth wrapped in a Rubix cube wrapped in an paradoxical quantum vortex. Does it hold the secret to the universe? (editor’s note: No.)
Cup of lean. Check. Cocaine in the shape of a skull. Check. A giant razor blade. Check. Pan sauteed asparagus in extra virgin olive oil topped with a dollop of creme fraiche. Wait what? We are really trying hard to understand how asparagus fits on a rap mixtape cover and our brain is overheating. He also has a full set of silverware. Asparagus makes your pee smell weird. Is this what Ant Simmons eats for dinner? Drugs and asparagus?
If you listen to his mixtape, the intro is a news clip about smuggling drugs in diapers, which is also weird. Is wearing diapers gangster? Does Ant Simmons pee weird smelling asparagus pee in his drug diapers? Wait- maybe the weird asparagus pee smell covers up the smell of the drugs in Ant Simmon’s drug diaper so the dogs don’t smell it. That’s gotta be it. We’re going to believe that’s it so we can live the rest of our life in peace.
We’ll be back next week with more of the worst mixtapes ever, till then feel free to discuss your favorite tracks from these selections below in the comments or hit me on Twitter. -@LILINTERNET